testing

Spoftware

I regret the long absence, but have been developing something very exciting. Exciting for you, my audience, that is. For me, it has been a ruinous and unending concatenation of financial loss, humiliating failures, and long unexplained silences from many of my co-developers, all of whom I have thanked and mentioned enough elsewhere that I won't go on about it here. Not for another word. Whatsoever. 

The exciting / terrible thing is a "Sponge" "App" for phones. With this software application, you can turn your phone or laptop into a sponge or a gigantic sponge.

It looks like this:

Nice, right? All you need to do, if this wasn't self-evident, is boot up your device (IF CHARGED), wait several seconds, CLICK ON THE SPONGE APP ICON, and when you see a picture of a sponge on your screen, use that picture to SHTOOOK puddles of spilled apple juice into your sink or onto the floor.

So easy it almost wipes by itself.™

INCIDENTALLY, if any of you would like to join the project as a co-developer while "we" try to get this application onto I(nternet)-Tunes or E(lectron)-Bay or (Into the) Amazon (Jungle), I hope you'll join the lively discussion that always takes place in the comments section after a major announcement such as the one above or below (sort of in the midst of) here.

I should also update the list of phone applications or personal digital assistant applications, or spoftwares i've developed relating to sponges.

Phone Applications or Personal Digital Assistant Applications, or Spoftwares I've Developed Relating to Sponges:

1. This one.

2. ?

3.?

4. NO

5.?

6. ?

and so on.

I commend unto you this Intex Supply Co. A98018 MicroFiber Extra Scrubbing Sponge, which is a servant of the cleanliness which occureth in your home, especially those level 2 and level 3 tasks which require a little extra ... ooomph.

Thusly: 

Waiteth not.

Sponge Battel (SB). SB #8.58.4000000000999999988889999889898989898-5. Sponge vs. Domo-Kun.

First competitor: Sponge

Height: 4”

Weight: Several Ounces.

Second competitor: Domo

Height: “Yes?”

Weight: “Hono! I can believe it.”

I’m going to have to walk you through this, because things got off the rails almost immediately. Domo-Kun is the mascot for NHK, a television station in Japan. If you’re rushing over to your tv to see if YOUR favorite television station has an angry, wordless plush toy mascot, do not bother. It doesn’t. 

From Wikipedia: “Domo is described as 'a strange creature that hatched from an egg,' with a large, sawtoothed mouth that is locked wide open. Domo's favorite food is Japanese-style meat and potato stew, and he has a strong dislike for apples, because of an unexplained mystery in his DNA.”

Let’s stop right there for a second. Did you catch that? Did you notice how nothing I just said there has anything to do with quality television or makes any sense? OK, good. You caught it.

“Domo can only communicate by producing a low-pitched noise which sounds somewhat like his own name, but other characters appear to understand him. Domo is known to pass gas repeatedly when nervous or --“

See, right there. A total lack of marketing messaging has been accomplished. I think I’m starting to understand.

“...He communicates sotto voce with a verve that only his friends can understand."

I’m inclined to agree. And more to the point, I think our BattelSponge was inclined to agree as well, forming his Spongey and Absorbent plan to defeat the cunning saw-toothed rectangular foe. 

You see, Domo-Kun derives his power from our Japanese brothers’ and sisters’ seemingly infinite capacity for bewildering gibberish.

Round 1.

Battel Sponge takes to the ring. Domo parries by offering the Battel Sponge a bicycle.

Our sponge is confused. He likes bicycles.

Domo says the word “carpeting”, lovingly, while running his hand over the canvas (which is not made of carpet), and a cartoon piano falls from nowhere onto the proud but staggered and bleeding let’s say for the sake of argument Battelsponge.

Sponge would recover, muttering, “Every morning I mispronounce my haircut and that’s when it straightens itself.”

Domo leaned in and asks, mouth frozen in toothy rictus, “I’m sorry?”

Sponge then looked the fearsome rectangle in the shoulder, plaintively, just inches away from his enemy, and screamed, “Every morning I mispronounce my haircut and that is when it straightens itself. Quality is our hallmark and is morally neutral! All floors and tables share a common ancestor.” 

And then the BattelSponge blinked out of existence. 

And then they were both outside, alone, in a meadow in the morning, and the Domo understood, and Our Sponge was much larger, four feet tall, and he made an “OK” hand at the Domo, and the Domo changed into a strange spherical clock. 

It’s hard to explain.

Winner: Battel Sponge. 1st round. Disqualification (nonexistence).

In the future, there will be a Level 0 sponge, which will be used to clean other sponges.

Spongeswitch! ... Hctiwsegnops!

Who among us hasn’t seen a picture of a blanket on the internet and said THAT’S MY BLANKET, or confused items with pictures of items in general. You’ve surely also mistakenly swapped your Level 1 (dishes) Cleanliness and Level 2 (counters, pots) Cleanliness sponges.

Many people don’t realize that the 1996 documentary “Face/Off”, starring Nicolas Cage and John “Coppola” Travolta, was originally a scripted dramatic parable about a particularly grievous Spongeswitch. This one, the story goes, resulted in a Level 4 (garbage, car wheels) sponge swapped with a Level 2 (counters, pots) sponge. Let me tell you. Just thinking about it, I’m shaking my head. You can’t see it, but I’m shaking it slowly and seriously. 

Still shaking it.

I worry that I'm becoming less relatable to other people.