First competitor: Sponge
Height: 4”
Weight: Several Ounces.
Second competitor: Domo
Height: “Yes?”
Weight: “Hono! I can believe it.”
I’m going to have to walk you through this, because things got off the rails almost immediately. Domo-Kun is the mascot for NHK, a television station in Japan. If you’re rushing over to your tv to see if YOUR favorite television station has an angry, wordless plush toy mascot, do not bother. It doesn’t.
From Wikipedia: “Domo is described as 'a strange creature that hatched from an egg,' with a large, sawtoothed mouth that is locked wide open. Domo's favorite food is Japanese-style meat and potato stew, and he has a strong dislike for apples, because of an unexplained mystery in his DNA.”
Let’s stop right there for a second. Did you catch that? Did you notice how nothing I just said there has anything to do with quality television or makes any sense? OK, good. You caught it.
“Domo can only communicate by producing a low-pitched noise which sounds somewhat like his own name, but other characters appear to understand him. Domo is known to pass gas repeatedly when nervous or --“
See, right there. A total lack of marketing messaging has been accomplished. I think I’m starting to understand.
“...He communicates sotto voce with a verve that only his friends can understand."
I’m inclined to agree. And more to the point, I think our BattelSponge was inclined to agree as well, forming his Spongey and Absorbent plan to defeat the cunning saw-toothed rectangular foe.
You see, Domo-Kun derives his power from our Japanese brothers’ and sisters’ seemingly infinite capacity for bewildering gibberish.
Round 1.
Battel Sponge takes to the ring. Domo parries by offering the Battel Sponge a bicycle.
Our sponge is confused. He likes bicycles.
Domo says the word “carpeting”, lovingly, while running his hand over the canvas (which is not made of carpet), and a cartoon piano falls from nowhere onto the proud but staggered and bleeding let’s say for the sake of argument Battelsponge.
Sponge would recover, muttering, “Every morning I mispronounce my haircut and that’s when it straightens itself.”
Domo leaned in and asks, mouth frozen in toothy rictus, “I’m sorry?”
Sponge then looked the fearsome rectangle in the shoulder, plaintively, just inches away from his enemy, and screamed, “Every morning I mispronounce my haircut and that is when it straightens itself. Quality is our hallmark and is morally neutral! All floors and tables share a common ancestor.”
And then the BattelSponge blinked out of existence.
And then they were both outside, alone, in a meadow in the morning, and the Domo understood, and Our Sponge was much larger, four feet tall, and he made an “OK” hand at the Domo, and the Domo changed into a strange spherical clock.
It’s hard to explain.
Winner: Battel Sponge. 1st round. Disqualification (nonexistence).
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